I have a Black Dog. It’s been with me for most of my life, but I’ve only recently learned it exists.
It’s no purebred. It’s not pretty. It’s not cutesy and cuddly. It’s no lapdog. It’s no racing champion.
It’s a Mongrel.
It’s name is Bipolar Disorder.
This means I swing from “I’m invincible and the world is lucky to have me” to “I’m worthless and the world’s better off without me.” It can happen at any time and often doesn’t reflect reality in any way. Sometimes I can tell I’m feeling at an extreme, most of the time I have barely a clue.
When an extreme swing happens, it’s almost always from extreme high to extreme low, and often takes less than 10 minutes. At that point, I KNOW intellectually that it’s unrelated to reality. Yet emotionally I can’t make that separation and just say “hey, I know I don’t really suck.”
I remember one time leaving home thinking “I can’t believe how good things are and how easy this stuff is” and then 10 minutes down the road I was bee-lining the car at a power-pole because i knew my family was better off without me.
Ironically, and completely implausibly, the thing that saved me was that I had my real, living, breathing black dog (an adorable, idiotically stupid Black Labrador) in the back of the car. I mean seriously, WTF? That’s not rational. It makes no sense!
I first discovered my disorder when a friend was diagnosed with it. I realised I didn’t actually know what it was, so I looked it up and found the Black Dog Institute has an online self-test. The test is stated to have an 80% accuracy of detecting bipolar disorder if you score over 22. I figured there may be a problem when I scored 52. FIFTY-TWO. Bugger.
The doc sent me to a shrink and the shrink initially said that she wasn’t sure. We’ve since clarified a few things I wasn’t sure about in the interview. Sure enough, “thar she blows”. BPD.
The more I read, the more clearly I fit the bill for the ups, but I didn’t think I’d really had the downs (I hadn’t had the power-pole incident yet). I also couldn’t see what the problem was with the ups.
Talking through with the shrink, it was totally clear that I was depressed, but she wasn’t convinced about the ups, (maybe ’cause I always love them and didn’t think of them as dangerous at that time). My wife and most people around me clearly disagreed, and talked through some of my recent episodes, which helped the diagnosis and tripped me over the edge into awareness. That was the point I realised that while depression is dangerous for me, highs are dangerous for me and those around me.
I’m lucky in that I don’t go totally off-campus and end up running down the street naked shouting that I’m superman. But 2 hours sleep a night for weeks at a time, any excuse for a rush, limited ability to link thoughts and dreams to reality aren’t really the best way to live. And waking people up at random times of the night (usually between 2 and 4am) to blather about some new exciting “opportunity” or rant about some completely random complaint? Well let’s say that although my wonderful and patient wife is well used to it, it’s not her favourite part of our marriage. Bankruptcy wasn’t a picnic either.
My first medication stopped the depression in its tracks. Until it ran out (that’s when the power-pole nearly got me). After a year or so and a few times running out of meds, I realised they were making me nearly constantly exhausted. I was always tired, and drinking a huge amount of coffee to keep me going through the day. I didn’t have any energy left at the end of the day to do any extra work or even to catch up if I’d run out of time during the day/week. I didn’t have a single “high” in the year – because I was so tired rather than anything else.
When I changed medication, I found my energy levels were so much better I was actually scared that I’d started a high. But it came with the weirdest sensations – the tip of my tongue tingled for 2 weeks! It almost felt as though I’d burned it, but it didn’t actually hurt. Everything tasted strange – even my breath.
Now a few months later my tongue is fine. My energy levels are still at that same level, steady, with what seem like “normal” ups and downs. No unexplained exhaustion and no “superman” highs. I even feel like I’m keeping up at work – to the point I actually do extra work in the evenings when it’s needed.
And I’m a whole lot less short-tempered!
If this is the new me, I like him.
Posted in Bipolar Disorder
Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Black Dog, Depression, Fat Bastard
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